I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. Maybe he is making up time for that. bittergaymark I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. lets_be_honest you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! if you dont want there to be issues. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? lets_be_honest I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. I can see it both ways. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. Thats an attempt at emotional manipulation and its not healthy. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. Geocaching!!!! GatorGirl For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. The LW may be overreacting. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. You cant. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. Thats on you. I married an apron-strings boy like that. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. Youve been together four months. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. 03/07/2022 08:00. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. Well, then you are simply NOT a match. You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. artsygirl , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. Dont people like to do things in their cities? She should say something about it to the BF at least. Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! What about visiting your parents? or just dinner? Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. Francine The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. Does that make sense? Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. I am extremely close to my family, I talk to them for the most part at least once a day. A picnic in the park? my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. demoiselle And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. Play frisbee in the park! I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. Hes going to choose you. Eh. every place has natural wonders. But it seems like they want to take things slowly. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. ForeverYoung January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). That was my first thought. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. 14 years ago. So much fun and its free! IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. Pronouns made that a little less clear. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. Yeah, but every weekend? Friends of her own? A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. I love girls night out. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. I am curious of yalls ages though. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. Lets not start with how many siblings he has. lets_be_honest Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. Something that youre going to have to communicate about. I cant imagine that life! Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. Theyre always around and we dont get to do stuff together anymore. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. That was what I meant. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. Then offer a compromise. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. silver_dragon_girl Laura Hope Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. This is her perception. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Get out and DO something. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. muchachaenlaventana Well. allathian The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. That was seven years ago. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. if it works for you, thats all that matters. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. tbrucemom Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. 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